Jack's column: Love in the produce aisle? Not likely
BROK. What a champ.
Am I right?
Some of you may not know what I'm even talking about, so I'll just end the facade right away: no, I'm not right at all.
Brok is quite the fool actually.
For those who missed it, a young man made headlines and social media posts galore this week in an "admirable" quest for love.
The only trouble was it wasn't admirable at all.
Let me set the scene for you.
The place: the fresh produce section of a Woolworths supermarket.
Who needs beaches, beautiful views or nightclub dance floors?
The time: 7.38pm.
Who needs romantic afternoon strolls, romantic sunsets or a moment so romantic you don't actually care what time it is?
The vibe: fluorescent lighting, the faint smell of hot chooks and the mashed up noise of barcode scanning, yelling children and - well, err - yelling parents.
Who needs candlelight, an expensive cologne and the seductive and yell-free tones of a violin?
Well, not Brok at least, that's for sure.
Let's just observe what Brok's friend deemed appropriate to post on the Woolworths Facebook page.
"I was at Woolworths this evening at 7.38pm with my friend Brok buying fresh produce to make butter chicken when he's glanced over at the girl of his dreams. Girl buying mushrooms, if you read this, we will be in this section every night at 7.38pm until we meet again."
Now, I'm no expert on supermarket vegetable aisle courtship, but I'll give this a red-hot go.
First of all, Brok, learn to fight your own battles.
No true social media Casanova relies on his mates to post their proclamations of love, everybody knows that.
So now, let's analyse this modern-day love letter for the ages.
I'm not sure what is most romantic in all of that.
Is it the fact the "girl of his dreams" has already been bestowed the pet name "Girl buying mushrooms"?
No, surely they can do better than that.
Is it the fact Brok and said friend may have metaphorically likened this woman to "fresh produce" (knowingly or unknowingly, I'm not sure what's worse)?
No, that can't be it either.
Is it the fact that the picture that accompanied the post was taken and posted without the girl's permission?
Yes, that's definitely it.
I can hear all you strong, independent, self-respecting women swooning already.
Quite simply, a social media pick-up attempt which has pretty much had a universal reaction of "Awwww" accompanied by a few joyful tears and a few far-fetched comparisons to Romeo is nothing more than a violating, objectifying and misogynist pick-up attempt almost certain to prevent this poor woman from entering Woolworths between 7pm and 8pm ever again.
Besides, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but... Romeo and Juliet didn't end particularly well.
Now, I'm writing this on Wednesday, so for all I know, these guys have already met, wed and spawned three healthy children.
Romeo and Juliet does in fact last about just as many days, after all, so anything is possible.
However, even if this story does provide the basis for the Australian film industry's answer to When Harry Met Sally, I think it's a pretty sad reflection on the art of contemporary courtship.
But then, like I said: I'm no expert.