OPINION: My toothless cat had more bite than Labor
FORGET toothless tigers - the dribbling gums of my old dentally-challenged house cat packed more bite than the current Australian Labor Party.
The adorable little idiot was named Nut (don't ask) and she was a delightful furball in her day, albeit a perpetually-whining narcissist.
But ever since the mystery accident that snapped all four of her fangs at the base, Nut's innate knack for tyrannising the local rat and mouse population was severely curtailed.
Eventually she lowered her hunting standards to insect-level, meaning I was besieged by this monstrous and growing rodent population throughout the winter of 2013, while Nut was content to drop dead roaches on my pillow as rent.
This is how I see the Federal ALP - no bite at a time they should have the Coalition on the ropes.
Imagine if Tony Abbott in Opposition discovered Labor had paid people smugglers.
There would be no meek gnashing of gingivitic gums here - he would be at Shorten's throat with a gob full of serrated shark teeth.
So many opportunities to offer the Australian public a real alternative government instead scurry about at their leisure.
Fight for our right to use the internet without it being put through a government sieve?
Too hard. Let it through to the keeper.
While we're feeling particularly bipartisan, why not just allow data retention laws and a whole swathe of national security legislation to pass by without proper oversight.
Also, let's reduce the renewable energy target scheme.
And if you want to include the burning of native forest wood to generate energy as a form of renewable energy, more power to you.
Get some teeth, man! We want and deserve a debate.
Little cockroaches might be easy to catch but I don't need mutant rats nibbling my toes while I sleep.
I have nail clippers for that.
EDITOR'S NOTE - the author's personal hygiene has vastly improved in recent years.