The Koala Party could shake up Australian politics.
The Koala Party could shake up Australian politics.

Pollie Tickled: Come to the party, but don't toe the line

WE NEED a political party that represents the true Australia so I thought I could start the Koala Party - up a gum tree, looking stoned (but never inhaling, of course).

I'm a bit concerned about trying to be cute and furry, though. Furry is easy. My hair is migrating from the top of my head to my upper arms, my back and to all sorts of other places that koalas have it. Cute? Could be difficult.

And as for eating just gum leaves ...

Never mind. Politicians don't have to reflect their party name.

After all, when did you last see a Labor politician doing labour? Apart from a few who gave birth. Oh, and those who got sent to jail - they get put in a special place so they don't have to deal with common criminals. Probably a good idea.

Some are so hardened they cause psychological damage. We have to protect the "normal" crims because we can often rehabilitate them. As for rehabilitating crooked pollies - nope.

And no politician from that other party shows any liberal values. Except liberal spouting of nonsense. Liberal application of travel benefits. Liberal flouting of the rules.

Don't get me started on the lack of national perspective among the members of the party of that name. Self-interest rules. National values can go to hell until the election campaign officially opens. Lucky they only have to pretend for about six weeks every few years and then it's back to normal.

Pauline Hanson Party? Well, most of them leave because it's too appalling. Or they get booted out because they don't meet her standard of Hanson-ness. Probably a good sign, welcome to reality.

Katter's managed to keep the cats under control. Or maybe they all agree. Weird. Pollies not knifing their leader. Who do they think they aren't?

The Xenophiles look to be an even stronger example of harmony. Dangerous really. But there's only a few of them and the Katters. So far.

The Greens looked like staying green in the sense of new, unblooded and inexperienced.

The unblooded aspect went in a few leadership changes. Several are now quite experienced in the ways of politics and have had some impact and the party is no longer new. But it's still not a force that can harvest all those greenish votes.

And I just hope the Shooters Party doesn't live up to its name.

Remember when we used to pick who we wanted to vote for? Now we have to cross off all the ones we don't want to vote for.

Makes for a difficult choice sometimes.

So to get around that, it might be better to start a crowd-sourced and survey-based party. It will tick all the boxes, I'm sure.

So here are my answers to how my next pollie should be made at the factory: 10% honesty; 5% commitment; 25% party interest; 40% self-interest; 10% snout in trough; 20% big business or big union interest; 10% junkets.

And yes, it adds up to 120%. I want a politician who'll take more than their share - I'm just being realistic.

Pollie Tickled is a satirical column.