Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, left, has put Petter Dutton in charge of all our cops and spies.
Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, left, has put Petter Dutton in charge of all our cops and spies. MICK TSIKAS

Pollie Tickled: Reality returns to news - but don't worry

IT'S safe to cross the road without having to take offence on spotting a female Walk/Don't walk figure on a pedestrian crossing - thanks to the Queensland Liberal National Party.

There have only ever been 10 of these dangerous figures produced and installed - all at Flinders and Swanston Sts in Melbourne. So Queenslanders are safe as long as they don't go there. But it is good to have that extra secure feeling now.

It was just one of many motions passed at the LNP state convention in Brisbane. Another was a ban on girls under 10 wearing the Muslim hijab - a head covering - at school.

I can understand that someone whose face is fully covered might be seen as a threat and that's why motorcyclists are required to remove helmets in banks. But head coverings? And they neglected to ban a female Walk/Don't walk figure in a headscarf on a pedestrian crossing light. Next year maybe?

Unfortunately, not all the Trump-like motions got through - so we still have no limit on Muslim migration and we're still stuck with protecting the Great Barrier Reef and our grandchildren's lifestyles by being part of the Paris Climate Accord.

But federal Libs came to the rescue. The future is powered by coal, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull told the faithful in a defence of real electricity, distinct from solar #fakepower. "Those people who say coal and other fossil fuels have no future are delusional and they fly in the face of all of the economic forecasts."

And fossil fuels do have a future - but not a long one, as the US market has determined. For some time, more investment has gone into solar and wind than into coal, petroleum and nuclear. And that's where the jobs growth is, too.

Plus we discovered that the mad rush to export as much gas (another of your fave fossil fuels, Malcolm) as possible has been the major factor in rising gas and electricity prices.

But all else in our universe was fixed by putting Dutto in charge of all our cops and spies. That will put our spooks behind an even bigger wall of secrecy. Real democracy in action.

And supervising spooks is in the Attorney-General's hands. Can George Brandis can keep Dutto from going off the rails with his new power? Well, he wasn't able to keep the AFP in his portfolio, so Dutto's probably off and racing.

But in real news that matters, Amber Harrison nailed it with "My case is a lesson in how many ways can you screw a girl".

And an online fundraiser for Kerobokan escapee Shaun Davidson describes him as Australia's most lovable fugitive. The page is a bit shy of its $50,000 target. I can't keep up with the adorable globetrotter but he had raised $60 at one point.

And this week's Guardian Essential poll of 1830 voters found 71% agreed with "I wish both sides of politics would try to meet each other in the middle more often" and 45% would consider voting for a new party that took ideas from both sides of politics.

So all we need is a leader for such a party and we'll all be saved.

The lovable Shaun has enough passports to ensure several Senate resignations at once to trigger a massive outpouring of sympathy and a vote winner. So I'm nominating Shaun. And it will bring him home where he belongs.