Swearing off road rage
Folks, my granddaughter said I swear more than Grandma when driving.
Which begs two questions, just how much does Grandma swear while driving and, how many swear words does the little tacker know?
Obviously she's aware Grandad is, occasionally, not a happy camper behind the wheel, but she can't quote any swear words I use, because I usually go 'Shakespearian'.
Like every overacting thespian, I'm yelling words chock-full of passion and emotion, accompanied by dramatic gestures, but no one can understand what on earth I'm talking about.
Here's a small collection of my favourites:
"Is this an indicator I see before me? Art thou not similarly bedecked?”
"Lo, may thy lumbering velocipede plumb motley depths!”
"Do not give dalliance!”
"Aroint thee sir! Aroint!” I don't know why, but this is one of the few words I recall from Macbeth before falling asleep and it feels great to say it, even if I don't have a clue what it means.
Top tip: deliver these with a smile to really confuse the few people paying attention. You can almost get away with shouting anything if you're grinning like a chimp.
Now, while part of me smugly thinks I'm an extremely clever chap, I realise I'd be a much better human being if I didn't Shakespeare-swear at all and remained completely calm regardless of what insanity I witnessed through the windscreen.
I have been assured this Zen-like state is actually possible to achieve in my lifetime.
So, recently, after a near miss involving a car with a 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, (note: I don't think Jesus wants his followers running red lights in order to meet Him sooner), I asked myself, "What would the Dalai Lama do?”
A picture of him driving serenely along then suddenly giving a gob-full to a car that had cut him off sprang to mind and this made me chuckle; a lot.
So, every time a fellow road user upsets me I picture His Holiness in full flight, waving his arms about and cutting loose with phrases that would make Grandma faint.
Forsooth! It work-eth.
Greg Bray blogs at gregbraywriter.wordpress.com. Find him on Facebook: Greg Bray - Writer